"家庭是讲“爱”的地方" -- definitely，"不是讲理的地方" - REALLY?!

cca(不归的如来佛)

本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛True it may not be possible to always 分出谁对谁错 -- and that is not the purpose of 讲理 either. If I takes it right, 讲理 means reasoning, NOT arguing.

Reasoning is an important way of maintaining everyone's consistency, integrity and sanity, and improving the communication and understanding among family members.

It's true that differences in initial standing points cannot be reconciled by reasoning. However, more often than not, spouses do share a common ground in their value systems. It's the pre-occupying sense of authority (to children) and entitlement (to spouse) -- often in the name of "love" -- that prevents them from reaching the same conclusions -- which would have been possible via sound reasoning.

Reasoning cannot solve all your problems, but refusal to reasoning causes more problems.

The chances are, if one refuses to reason at home, s/he is like to refuse to reason in the outside world as well. We'd better show the kids that the world is a wholly consistent place.

To say "家不是讲理的地方" may be pragmatic or convenient, but it's terribly short-sighted -- you may get temporary compromise, but the negative impact will come back to haunt you!

With a lot of respect to 樱桃果叶 -- I just have to stand up and disagree on this one.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net

(#6980506@0)
Last Updated: 2011-10-12
This post has been archived. It cannot be replied.

＋１。 -coolmommy(酷妈); 2011-10-11 (#6979988@0)

You may have a point to make -- don't know what it is though -- but the example is very poor. -cca(不归的如来佛); 2011-10-12 (#6980097@0)

This is a real thing and I tried to described as it was. It has lots of prospective depends on how you view it. From my prospective, I guess what I am trying to say is -alex21cn(wxy); 2011-10-12 {814} (#6980390@0)
1. This is a family issue and the police is involved too. My coworker didn't care about the money that got stolen but felt responsible for the kids as they are out of control. She feel some authority should be involved to take control. I felt it is appropriate to call the police over and let the kids know there are consequences if you've done the wrong thing. And I truly believe that should apply to adults too. If a wife or husband was abused by his/her spouse, why it is so wrong to call the police?

2. after being 911ed, the kids wasn't traumatized to the extremes and try to seek revenge. they didn't call her a betrayer because she turn a family issue to a "enemy vs. me conflict". They just learn their lessons and move on with their life. Sometimes I just think kids are way smarter than we are.

I do not think it is the right thing to call police in this situation. -abc2011(nonono); 2011-10-12 {338} (#6980745@0)
Actually police can do nothing, they came just because they have to, just because you called, they cannot even say anything to kids, two poor kids don't have parents to complain for them, to protect them, kids found a wallet and kept it for fun, what's the point of calling police? you judge them becuase they are from divorced family.

Kids found wallet from other people's purse, spent the money, "for fun"? Sorry from my world this is called stealing. -alex21cn(wxy); 2011-10-12 {402} (#6980847@0)
If the kids have responsible parents, my coworker would for sure talk to the parents first.

The fact that they don't have a normal family shouldn't be an excuse for them to act against the law or do harm to other people.

If there is no parents to take the responsibility to teach the children, the society should. And where do you find me "judge them becuase they are from divorced family"?
１０岁多的孩子不用为他们的行为承担法律责任，但如果一个成年人的行为恐吓了一个未成年的孩子的话他／她是要承担法律责任的，如果他／她的父母告你心理伤害了孩子，你看法官怎么判。 -abc2011(nonono); 2011-10-12 (#6980977@0)
９１１，法律不是那么好玩的，弄不好自己就卷进去了，能远离就远离， NY 那个黑女不就卷进去了？人家老男人喝着香槟跟她玩法律。 -abc2011(nonono); 2011-10-12 {141} (#6980999@0)
some people think that they can use 911 to "teach teach" someone else， if charge is ultimately dismissed, he/she can sue for false arrest.

你是说，911吓唬小孩子还行，对大人没用？ -bluebox(bluebox); 2011-10-12 (#6980101@0)

家庭是讲“爱”的地方，不是讲理的地方。这里太多的讨论都是在想办法怎么能把道理讲清楚，分出谁对谁错，但是两个人结了婚，就是合成一体，无法分出对错的。家庭里，夫妻要学习的是如何的宽容，包含，忍让和接受。爱是不计算对方有多少的错...... -ysysning(樱桃果叶); 2011-10-12 (#6980157@0)

+1 -walkalong(汉家儿郎); 2011-10-12 (#6980214@0)
"家庭是讲“爱”的地方" -- definitely，"不是讲理的地方" - REALLY?! -cca(不归的如来佛); 2011-10-12 {1300} (#6980506@0)
本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛True it may not be possible to always 分出谁对谁错 -- and that is not the purpose of 讲理 either. If I takes it right, 讲理 means reasoning, NOT arguing.

Reasoning is an important way of maintaining everyone's consistency, integrity and sanity, and improving the communication and understanding among family members.

It's true that differences in initial standing points cannot be reconciled by reasoning. However, more often than not, spouses do share a common ground in their value systems. It's the pre-occupying sense of authority (to children) and entitlement (to spouse) -- often in the name of "love" -- that prevents them from reaching the same conclusions -- which would have been possible via sound reasoning.

Reasoning cannot solve all your problems, but refusal to reasoning causes more problems.

The chances are, if one refuses to reason at home, s/he is like to refuse to reason in the outside world as well. We'd better show the kids that the world is a wholly consistent place.

To say "家不是讲理的地方" may be pragmatic or convenient, but it's terribly short-sighted -- you may get temporary compromise, but the negative impact will come back to haunt you!

With a lot of respect to 樱桃果叶 -- I just have to stand up and disagree on this one.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
要双方都知道讲爱才行。 -jqe(At Water); 2011-10-12 (#6980518@0)

+1. And that's the tricky part...:-) -cca(不归的如来佛); 2011-10-12 (#6980536@0)
你讲到点子上了。。 -bluesea911(海之子); 2011-10-13 (#6985495@0)

absolutely right ! -fly_universe(飞越时空); 2011-10-12 (#6980522@0)
爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩赐；爱是不嫉妒，爱是不自誇，不张狂，不作害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐；爱是永不止息． -littlebird09(小小鸟); 2011-10-12 (#6980532@0)

Among all Bible citations, this is the one I like the most. However, "不作害羞的事" has always been an eye-sore to me -- shouldn't it be"不作×可耻×的事" instead? -cca(不归的如来佛); 2011-10-12 (#6980554@0)
有道理，早就考虑过。。。问题是这样，前提是价值观，世界观类似的人才能谈论这些，，，爱和宽容不能解决几百年的文明差距。。。美国人和北朝鲜人不能结婚，根深蒂固的价值观不同 -ledger-sun1( 大多数人都是普通人); 2011-10-12 (#6981073@0)

太对了！ -wjtyl(wjtyl); 2011-10-12 (#6980768@0)
看着吧，好象都很对，可实际上吧，挺难操作的。比如“家不是讲理的地方”对外这么讲，认同；家内未必吧？总有犯错误检讨的时候吧？有时这个“错误”是“讲理”的结果。当然，斤斤计较是毒药。“宽容，饱汉忍让和接受”一点没错，但希望是成匀称比例的，而不是1：9 -bigmouthman(大嘴); 2011-10-12 (#6980965@0)

９１１警察确实教训不听话的孩子。我知道有个人的女儿打９１１说父母虐待。其实是她自己的手机被自己朋友偷了，她要父母再买，被拒绝了。警察来了，看她妈妈得肺癌，化疗头发都没了。把那女孩子给放到警车里的犯人座上暴训了一个多小时。 -coolmommy(酷妈); 2011-10-14 (#6985506@0)

咱俩说的不是一件事。但是对孩子的教育指望911的父母，不好评价，反正不会是我的朋友。 -bigmouthman(大嘴); 2011-10-14 (#6985630@0)
指望９１１来教育孩子，老公，爱人的人也不会是我的朋友，敬而远之。 -abc2011(nonono); 2011-10-14 (#6985651@0)

唉，那些傻爷们儿。。。整个老婆，到底是来上床的，还是来上课的？居然还有一门必修课９１１，真惨。 -baihe25(胡阿友); 2011-10-14 (#6986243@0)

@Philadelphia

"家庭是讲“爱”的地方" -- definitely，"不是讲理的地方" - REALLY?!

Replies, comments and Discussions:

More Topics